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Stories from the Book of Genesis Vol. 12

Revenge of the Genesis Brotherhood— Part Two

The threesome and I parted ways, as they had soon discovered that the wicked Death Adder was overdue on his tax payments, and was arrested by the IRS. I know… disappointing, isn’t it? I mean, here you are, waiting for an epic journey idolizing Golden Axe, and I dish out this garbage. Go cry about it… it’s my story. Anyway…

The angry sun beat down on me, whipping my shoulders and scarring my face with its angry heat and spiteful glares. My companions and I had been aimlessly wandering for days in that land in which the horizon just seemed to get farther with each step. Broken and hungry, it had been exactly the same, day after day; walk. There were no sights to see. Hell, there weren’t even any damn Dunkin’ Donuts… the one time where I actually wanted one to be around the corner. Irony sucks.

Fortunately for me, there was an oasis. I treaded lightly, hesitant to put all my hope behind what might be a mirage. I managed to remove a coin from my purse and toss it ever so weakly towards the glistening blue pool. To my delight, it landed with a wonderful “plop.” Mustering all my strength, I plodded forward, and my energy all but left me as I reached the water’s edge.

Slam. I dropped like a fly.

What a feeling it was… I felt the cool water on my face as if it were the first drink I had enjoyed in days. This was probably due to the fact that it was the first drink I had enjoyed in days. I loved the feeling of the precious liquid sliding down my throat and calming my seething insides, cooling all of my frustration caused by the immense heat.

I looked up and towering over me stood a tall, blonde man with a grim scowl on his face and a pair of “mess with me and I’ll make it so you can’t have children” studded gloves. I was shocked, and to be honest, I was afraid, despite all of my powers. This man…there was a quality about him that stirred me. He seemed depressed but determined, as if he would stop at nothing to retrieve that which was stolen from him. He didn’t say so… but his eyes did. They seemed to convey this haunting but powerful message. Either that or the trail of dead bodies that were about ten feet behind him and the entrails of blood staining his shirt. Then again, maybe it was just me…

“Who art thou?” I cried, both trembling in fear and earnestly longing for it to start raining Chinese food.

“I go by the name of Axel. This… this is my jungle: my jungle of cracked asphalt and broken dreams. Welcome to the jungle.”

“Wherein do you dwell in these torn apartments?”

“No apartment has been left standing since he came to power… so many years ago. I was a veteran… a hero amongst my people. But with his defeat, the palette dropped and the whole city became a smeared canvas of black..”

“I’m terribly sorry… I too have lost something dear.”

“What are you looking for? I seem to know these parts very well… I’m a street urchin, so I know my way around.”

“I seek the Lost Manual.”

Axel gasped.

“What is it?” I asked, perplexed.

Axel dashed towards me, boiling with rage. I quickly dodged his rush and prepared to evade another attack with a counter when all of the sudden…

“It’s Lucky!… damn, he got away again… I’ve been after his lucky charms for all these years, but man… I dunno how he does that rainbow thing. I thought that rainbows were all of the colors of the spectrum being refracted through rain particles, but apparently it’s the witchcraft of a breakfast cereal… who knew?”

Yes, the small green man had once again crept through our fingers. I pulled out my pad of note paper and wrote it on my to-do list. So far, this is what it read:

1. Pick up dry-cleaning

2. Pay amendments for neighbor’s dog

3. Pay amendments for neighbor’s hip

4. Pay amendments for neighbor’s fence

5. Pay amendments for neighbor’s car

6. Save earth (city, monastery, field)

7. Catch Lucky for Axel

Looking at my notepad, I then remembered that two more obstacles lay ahead. The monastery, I presumed, would pose no threat, as monks are, for the most part, peaceful, and would most likely aid me on my quest to restore peace.

“Axel, give me your aid. How far is the monastery from here?” I asked.

“It’s right outside the city. Beyond the gates, I can no longer help you, but remember this: a rolling stone is… worth more than… dull boys. Yea, you get the idea, just be a hero, ok?”

“No problem.”

I walked through the haze, choking on the dust as I breathed and lowered my head, never letting my guard down for a second. The canvas of the sky was streaked a mournful crimson, magenta, and blue, every now and then being cut by a streak of lightning, struggling to get a chance in the spotlight before the beautiful show ended. But no… the night was forever in this barren land. The aura of evil was overwhelming; but no matter how hard I tried to deny it, Jenny Jones was nowhere to be found. This was a different kind of evil. This had to be the work of only one person…

I reached the monastery and collapsed on its doorstep. It was apparent that the evil power had consumed me on my short walk, and with each step, I could feel my spirit dying… like something was leaving and would never come back.

But then… he arrived. Ignatius, the holy saint, was here at his monastery, tending the needy. Beard and all, he reeked bondage, and carried me into the castle to tend my wounds. I sat up, gave him the obligatory kick in the testicles, and set out through the castle to find that one evil. It had to be that one evil. It had to… I could feel it.

So I wandered through the halls, on my toes, until they got tired and I just walked normally. Carefully picking up and placing down each foot. I reached a large oak door with a large knocker. This had to be his room… only one person would have the audacity to place a large gold knocker on a large oak door for the sole purpose of proving that he’s the boss.

That’s right. I walked in, and there Tony Danza greeted me with a roundhouse kick to the face.

He continuously beat me down while I was on the ground. I tried to get up; he only kicked me down from behind and repeated the bashing. That’s when Liu arrived.

He flew in with his MC Hammer pants and half-mullet, poised for battle, and launched a fireball straight for Tony Danza’s heart. It had no effect.

“HA! Mortal! I’m the boss… I have no heart!”

I tried my usual punch to the babymaker. I hurt my hand. This man truly was the boss. Then, I had a brilliant idea – so brilliant, it was almost stupid.

“Hey Tony. Guess what?” I asked.

“What?” he responded. He was the boss, after all. He knew how to answer every question. Except this one.

“I thought you were the boss. You’re telling me you don’t know?”

“Don’t know what?”

I sighed softly. “I guess you don’t know…”

“I’m the boss! I know everything!”

“Really?” I snorted. “If you really do know everything, then tell me – what’s the best episode of your show?”

“Well, there was that one where… no… that one wasn’t funny. But wait! There was that episode a few years ago that… no, that sucked too. Rub it in, why don’t you?!”

And with that, Tony was vaporized. A small cloud of smoke hung in the air, and the smell of Cheetos still loomed about. I pushed through the fog and back into the night. Only a day’s journey and I would be face to face with an unspeakable evil.

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