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America’s Least Wanted Vol. 01: Bad Games

Tonight we take a look at some of Americas least wanted Genesis games. While they games may not be the worst out there, they’re still dangerously crappy, so be on look out. If you spot any of these games, inform the proper authorities, then run away. These perps are not listed in any particular order, as each are equally offensive and should be avoided at all costs.

Wanted:  For Total Unawareness of Fun Factor

Dark Castle: This early EA castle dweller may have showed some promise, but that was soon all gone once the game actually started. Making your character die by tripping down steps seems to be one of the games best features. Odd controls, like a 360 rock throw move, make the Dark Castle just more confusing than innovative. The graphics are small and laughable, as are the sound effects. Scary games with funny sounds never, ever work out. The horrible jumps detection just makes you want to turn the game off and never touch it again. This is, of course, the recommended course of action.

Wanted: For Destroying Millions of Small Children’s Brain Cells

Barney’s Hide and Seek Adventure: Usually, kids games are expected to be bad, but not THIS bad. Guide Barney from either ALL the way to the left, or ALL the way to the right. Once in awhile, you’ll come across some kid “hiding” either behind a bush, house, tree, or lamp post. Some even hide in plain sight. Those kids are beyond help, and should seek professional care immediately. Apparently, you’re supposed to find some toys too, but you can’t even play with them at the end of the round. All that finding and searching with no real payoff, just being able to count your booty. It’s a bit scary how Barney can keep perfect track of how many kids he is taking care off. There’s probably some kid still hidden behind a lamp post who was never found, and now cries himself to sleep. Bad Barney! *Whew! Made it through without any Michael Jackson jokes, too!

Wanted: For Crappy Control and Overall Cheapness

ESPN Baseball Tonight: Start up the game, and the graphics overwhelm you! Wow, such CD quality on a cart. Smart buy! But let the buyer beware! First, there’s no player’s license, already making the game feel cheap and outdated. Then, the real problem rears its ugly mug. The controls themselves may not seem that bad, but the actual placement of pitches and batters can be highly irritating. What also gets annoying is how the computer ALWAYS seems to get a hit every inning, no matter where the pitch is. You try to swing at the same pitches? You just either strike out, or get the dreaded infield fly, which happens way too often. The ESPN‘s cheapness gets me so angry, I can’t even think of a proper ending for this paragraph! There goes my Pullitzer! Thanks EPSN!

Wanted: For Making People Ashamed to Like the Cartoon

TaleSpin: One of Disney’s best cartoon series gets proverbially defecated on by Sega. Have Baloo and Kit jump! *Baloo falls off of a cliff* No! I said to jump, not fall! *Baloo falls again* Idiot! You’re wasting all my lives! I’m pressing jump! Why don’t you respond? *Baloo falls again, game ends* Screw this. Let’s try two-player mode. *Kit jumps, Baloo misses, Kit flies down to where Baloo fell, both die* My blood pressure rises to unhealthy levels, and that’s just the beginning. After you go through the platforming stage, you actually get a shooter stage! The shooter stage is the only thing is the only thing that really helps this game, and even that is subpar.

Wanted: For Inducing Severe Boredom

Last Battle: Walk, walk, walk, hit, hit, hit, walk, walk, walk, hit, hit, hit. Repeat. This game, even with cool storyline surrounding it, can get boring and insanely hard way too fast. It does show some promise, with the simple controls, and seemingly constant action. Unfortunately, this quickly changes as the dungeons kill off whatever momentum had been gained. You can still have fun with Last Battle, but it’s not really worth the effort, especially for what you get in the end.

Wanted: For Not Even Trying to Live Up to Expectations

Sword of Vermillion: You have to give it to Sega. They tried to get that whole RPG thing down. With Sword of Vermilion, they attempted to mix together Legend of Zelda, Might and Magic, and a bit of Phantasy Star altogether and create a new game experience. For months, magazine ads promised a grand adventure of knights, dragons, and other various middle age excitement. Fast forward to release day. The graphics and music look REAL nice (especially that title screen), but when you reach the actual gameplay, disappointment sets in. Overall it plays much worse than it should, and the storyline is paper thin. There are better things to spend you’re money on.

Wanted: For Sucking…on Purpose?

Wayne’s World: While the movie may be a classic, the game is not. From the beginning, it’s obvious a full effort was not given to Wayne’s World. With laughable sound, horrible NES-like graphics, and glitches galore, it’s hard to believe that this game could even have been released. Sega seal of quality my ass! And out of all that is there, the worst part of it is soon realized. The game was made crappy, on PURPOSE! That is a crime in itself. I’m sure the developers are still in hiding.

Wanted: For Doing Neither a Fighter or Platformer Right

Heavy Nova: Robots, guns, lazers, space, fighting. It seems like such a win-win situation. Somehow though, it still manages to lose. Go through assorted levels of platforming, kicking little boxes or mini-gunbots. After you reach the end of the level, you then face off against a single robot foe. The fighting game is really thin and shallow, even though you can earn special moves, they really don’t seem to even matter in the end. Eventually, most fights will end with you being punched, picked up by your opponent, punched again, picked up again, etc. This goes on until you lose, then take the game out and toss it out the nearest window.

Protip: If there aren’t any windows nearby, the wall will work just as well.

Wanted: For Making Me Want to Throw Trash at Indians

Awesome Possum: Everybody needs a mascot. Tengen decided that a a furry little representative with a recycling theme could get some buys from those hippie kids. They (Tengen, not the hippies) created Awesome Possum. A walking, talking possum that destroys giant robots with chainsaws by jumping on them. Well, that is if the hit detection lets you! Half the time you’ll find yourself getting hurt when it was obvious you made contact first. Trying to run is a hassle too. It’s as though you’re spend more time sliding than running, and you seem to break into a run way too fast. You’ll usually find yourself barreling into plenty of obstacles, most of them deadly. Expect a lot of death here.

Wanted: For Boring Gameplay & Excessive Posing

Greendog: Awesome! Cool! Narley! Rad! Tubular! None of these archaic phrases were used to describe this game when it came out. Mostly because most of these words were not even in use any more by the time Greendog was released. That didn’t stop Sega from churning out this turd on the American masses. While the graphics aren’t that bad, and the music is actually quite memorable, the main part of the game is very shoddy. The gameplay can get boring quickly, and you actually feel like you’re trapped most of the time. It’s too bad, this one really could have been a nice game, but it seems something went very wrong in the process. We blame the parents.

 

Thank you for your time today. If we act now, we can track these games down and take care of them before they hurt someone else, maybe even someone you love.

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