Official Joke Thread

[Melf]

Your family is so poor that I went to your house and rang the doorbell and your momma stuck her head out of the window and went "ding dong!"

Your momma is so fat that when she went to the beach in a red bathing suit all the kids ran to her and yelled "hey Kool-Aid!"

Your momma is like a shotgun: one cock and she blows.

[Elusive]

A man phones his office one morning.

"Boss, I'm sick," he says.

"OK, go see the doctor, and take it easy until you're feeling well enough to come in. How sick are you?"

"Well, right now I'm in bed with my dog."

[VinnyT]

Me: I can't come into work today?

Boss: Why?

Me: I'm sick.

Boss: With what?

Me: Anal Glacouma

Boss: What does that mean?

Me: It means I can't see my ass coming to work today

[Melf]

LOL!

A man walking along the pier sees a young woman in a wheelchair crying.

"what's wrong?" He asks.

"I've never been hugged," she sobs. So the man hugs her. Still she cries.

"What's wrong now?"

"I've never been fondled," she says. It seems a bit odd, but the man complies and gropes her breasts. The woman doesn't stop crying.

"Now what," the man says, impatiently.

"I've never been fucked."

The man picks up the woman, wheelchair and all, and tosses it off the pier and into the sea.

"Now you're fucked!"

[kain611]

If this offends anyone I'm sorry.



Little Johnny asks his father what a vagina looks like. He's father thinks for a minute and asks Johnny if he's seen what a rose looks like in the morning. Ya know with the dew glistening on it as it starts to open up to the sun. Johnny says yes and the father says thats what a vagina looks like. Johnny then asks whats moms look like?

Father thinks for a minute and asks Johnny, have you ever seen a bulldog eating maynaisse?


-

Father sitting in the confessional needs to go to the bathroom. So he leans out and grabs the first person he sees. He tells the man to sit in the booth and pretend he's the father. Shows him the chart for basic sins and what to give like number of hail marys/rosemarys etc. Says I'll be back as soon as I can. Off he goes to the bathroom.

In steps a woman to the confessional booth and she starts: forgive me father for I have sinned. She gave a complete stranger a blowjob in the alley. Frantically the guy searches the list and sees nothing about a blowjob. So he leans out the booth and asks an altar boy what father gives for a blowjob? The altar boy answers two cookies and a glass of milk.:)

[idunno10]

two elephants fall off a cliff. boom. boom.

[DigitalSpace]

A man walked into a car dealership and spotted the car of his dreams. He walked over to inspect it. As he bent over to feel the fine leather upholstry, he broke wind. Embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone was nearby. A salesman approached and said, "Good day, sir, how may I help you today?"
The man asked, "What's the price of this car?"
The salesman answered, "Frankly, sir, I'd rather not say."
He said, "Why not?"
The salesman said, "If you farted just touching it, you're going to shit when you hear the price."
____________________________________________

A blonde driving a convertible is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde police officer asks for the blonde driver's license and tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough, sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."
____________________________________________

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[David J.]

I see none of you have realized that this newsjokes is a spammer too. Look at the link in his sig.

[Elusive]

I see none of you have realized that this newsjokes is a spammer too. Look at the link in his sig.

Indeed. Have you noticed it's only in 'Off Topic' - maybe a slight rename of the forum would throw a few spambots off the scent?

I hereby welcome 'Oaf Topoc' to the Sega-16 forum fold :)

[Melf]

I know he's a spammer, but there's always room for a joke thread!

[VinnyT]

Once upon a time there was an old thread that was brought to the top out of boredom.

"WISE FWOM YOW GWAVE!"

[Mr Smith]

Two women walked into a building, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

[VinnyT]

What's the last thing that went through Kurt Cobains mind before he died?

The roof of his mouth.