I don't want to be "that guy" who rants about how crappy all the new stuff looks. I mean, I could do that, but it's usually not much fun for other people to read. Since I've got to get it off my chest somehow, here is a short story I wrote yesterday about why I stopped following new games. (Those without a sense of humor may abstain.)
*Ahem* Around the mid-2000s, I was playing away and really enjoying myself, waiting curiously for what the next "generation" of games might bring. One night when I was about to doze off, with happy visions of Soul Calibur II still in my head...a strange, repulsive little man jumped right through my window (which was closed) and landed on my bed.
"HI!!" he shouted in a really loud, annoying TMZ-style voice. "I'm an allegorical character for the near future of video games! You can call me Mr. 7!!"
"Um...hi," I said nervously, glancing around for something I could use as a weapon. "Look, that's interesting and all, but can't it wait until morning?"
"EH-EHHH! Can't stop can't wait gotta tell you now now now! " Mr. 7 looked and sounded as if he'd just cleared out all the Red Bull at the nearest gas station. He twitched crazily and hopped around the room. He was designed with graphics so slick they looked downright gaudy, and his hipster outfit was so bright it vibrated. In the brief moments when I could focus on him, it stung my eyes even worse.
"The seventh generation is upon us, and here's what it's gonna be like!" Mr. 7 continued. "Remember when playing video games felt special?"
I stretched my arms and yawned. "Yeah, what about it--"
"PSYCH!!! Not anymore!! Now everybody's gonna be doin' it! The word 'gamer' will lose all meaning! RPG's are gonna go online! So every character is a real person and every 'mission' will be OgreDikk69 and biebers_afairy_xxx hitting on female characters and insulting each others' mothers while the enemies kill you!!"
"But I play RPG's to get away from reality. Why would I--"
"I NO RITE?!?! And it gets even better. First the PlayStation 3's gonna come out."
"...What, already? The PS2 is doing fi--"
Mr. 7 was enjoying this way too much. "And Sony's gonna act like a bunch of arrogant a$$es and start it at FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS! With NO interesting launch titles and a Blu-Ray player!"
I frowned. "I don't want a Blu-Ray player. The discs are too expensive."
"SUX 4 U LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Then the Xbox 360 will come out, but like, way different from Xbox. Instead of a decent system with boring games, they'll have decent games but on a really CRAPPY system. With a 50% failure rate!"
"Fifty percent? And people will buy it?!"
"Aw yeah! And when they break down you'll call Microsoft and they're all like 'wut-EVER, just give it back and we'll like, just send you another broken console that will die in a month.' It'll take 'em four years to put out a decent version of that thing!"
"I don't like that, Mr. 7."
"SHADDAP! We're just gettin' started," Mr. 7 was now slapping his own butt and doing cartwheels on the wall. He seemed to get more obnoxious and crazy with each passing minute. "Then there's the WII!"
"The Wii, stupid! The new Nintendo machine! And it's ALL GROWN UP." As I looked on in horror, Mr. 7 pulled a plastic white thing with buttons out of his pants and started jerking it around. "AWWW yeah that feels good..."
"Oh Jesus! Get that thing away from me!!"
"It's called a Wiimote, duuuude! And your whole family can play with it all day!"
I covered my eyes in disgust. "Oh Lord, get that image out of my head. Look, Mr. 7, I don't think the future of games looks very interesting. No offense, but I need you to get out of--"
"WAIT THERE'S MORE! Once respected developers will be cranking out sucky remake$ and sequel$! Final Fantasy will go online and spiral into mediocrity! Sega will run the Sonic franchise into the ground! The exact same shooting game will come out over and over! Game systems will turn into computers! But thatz okay CUZ LOOK!"
Mr. 7 cackled and lifted up his shirt. "BOOBZ IN HD!!! "
"Okay, that's it," I said. "I didn't think I'd ever have to do this, but you leave me no choice." I hit a button on a remote control. My closet door opened to reveal a gray plastic robot.
"LOL WUZZAT?" Mr. 7 slobbered as it rolled towards him, arms outstretched.
"It's a vintage Nintendo ROB, Mr. 7. Your very own Robot Operated Buddy. And he wants to play with you." I smiled fiendishly. The peripheral's red eyes lit up as its clamps reached out for its prey.
"Wait, get away from me dood! I'm a G*MeRRR! You can't--NO! AAAAARRRGH!"
I waited until his screams finally stopped, then petted ROB on the head. "Good boy. Wanna go play Gyromite?"
So there it is, I opted out of things 5 or 6 years ago. Minus the obnoxious little man, did the same thing ever happen to you?