Features Stories from the Book of Genesis

Stories from the Book of Genesis Vol. 10

It was a bright 7th day of the week in the royal suburb of Eastlake. I, the Duke of Willowick awoke in Sir Jimmy’s humble 3 bedroom hut. Being the morning person of the group, I stood around and patiently waited for Sir Jimmy and Sir Al to awaken from their late night showing of the minstrel show Anger Management. As I cooked myself some waffles from the freezer, the morning scroll was the giant seventh day scroll, with the extra large cartoons and the two hundred pages of coupons. As I searched the scroll for last night’s baseball contest between the Indians and Royals (Tribe lost, huge surprise, I know), I came across the classifieds.

The season of carriage-parking space sales had recently begun, and I searched that section of the classified to see if anything sparked my interest. Nothing really stuck out to me among the usual youth garbs and old exercise equipment. One had an old piano, but I quickly realized that I didn’t know how to play the instrument. I was becoming disgruntled when I read the last add in the area:

“Many Items!



Misc. Children’s Toys

Sega Genesis CD 32X w/ games

Thurs-Sun 8:00 to 4:00

*Address withheld*”

I was taken aback by my sudden stroke of luck. Not only was this ad the most specific I’ve seen in ages, it also had a major goal that made it worth the five mile drive. I check the time: 8:36 of the clock! It could already be gone! I felt disgruntled again. But I couldn’t give up. I know a Holy Grail when I see one. I ran to the main room of the hut where Al and Jimmy were still in slumber. After a few strategically placed kicks to the head and/or mid-section, both were awoken. After arguing that I didn’t see who made Sir Al’s nose pour out crimson liquid, I convinced both to get there royal hineys up and get going to the sale of the century.

Unfortunately, the road to the grail wasn’t as simple as it seemed it would be. First, I had to apologize for stealing Sir Jimmy’s waffles. Then I had to wait as both men had their breakfast of cow drippings and toasted grain with a sugar-cane plant coating. When I convinced them to finally get into the 1992 Cavalier Horse Carriage, the crusade finally began.

We passed up a few sales along the way, and my two royal knights insisted we stop and look at everyone, even though I knew all they had to offer, from reading the aforementioned scroll. Just like I figured, all the sales were of old dressers and an occasional NBA Shoot-Out 97 or Windows ’98 disc. Sir Al had found an old TV and put it in the carriage. I hoped that the backseat would have enough room to hold the Holy Grail, if it was still there when we would finally get to the hut.

Before we knew it, it was lunch. We (meaning Al and Jimmy, I just wanted to get to the greatest sale ever) stopped at a Wendy’s Cow Meat Sandwiches. I’ll admit, the 1 pound menu is a life saver. After four Jr. Pig fat, concentrated Cow Drippings and Cow meat sandwiches, 1 potato cut from France , and a frosty, I was full. We continued on our way.

Mild tragedy struck when I checked my wallet. The feast at the Wendy’s had cut me short to only 7 pounds! How could I pay for the grail? Surely something of this value and importance would be at the least 15 pounds. I had to hope that who ever owned this sale would either be a horrible haggler, or some old lady who thinks she just had an old Nintendo that someone had painted black and written “SEGA GENESIS” on. We continued on however.

A church sale didn’t seem like the best place to find any games, but my two comrades wanted to see anyway. As they looked around, I searched the books, hoping a stray Far Side or Calvin & Hobbes would shoot out at me. Instead it was just: Dictionary, Dictionary, Robinson Caruso, Bible, Bible, Quackshot!, Bible, Olive-….

Quackshot?! I quickly grabbed the box and ripped it open. Inside was a near mint book and cartridge. I was ecstatic! I had found the gold dust, and now I wanted the whole pile! I quickly scanned the rest of the books to see if anything else looked like a novel. Ecco the Dolphin showed up next. Then a loose Sonic 2 (that I didn’t grab), then the greatest part of the mini-haul, a Canadian labeled Sonic 1! I knew it wasn’t worth anything, but having the second labeled game just felt so good, it gave me confidence that maybe this was a day for a grail! The nun at the counter told me all books were 4 pounds each. My heart sunk faster than something that’s really heavy that’d been thrown into a lake. I was able to talk her down to a pound each per “book.”

After we walked out of the church, I remembered Quackshot! going for 12-15 pounds easy on eBay, not to mention that the compendium of video game knowledge, Digital Press, had rated it as fairly uncommon. Pretty good for something I haggled off a nun. In the carriage, I was informed by Sir Jimmy that I had just ripped off a nun. I felt bad for a total of two seconds until I remembered that the grail was still out there. Off we went.

Sales were growing thinner. A couple of addresses found in the scrolls classifieds were sale-less. I hoped that my sale would not give up during lunch hours. We drove up to the street that the grail was on, and disgruntlement appeared again. Sir Jimmy had received a call on his devil sorcerer cellular telephone. Apparently, his father needed assistance with two hundred pounds of Christmas decorations. So we had to drive all the way back to a house three doors down from where we started! After moving the decorations to the attic, (where they still stand to this day), Sir Jimmy started feeling tired. He asked his trademark (and dreaded) “Do you REALLY want to go back out?” His usual phrase, where he doesn’t want to do something, but makes it sound like your fault.

After beating out Morse code on his head with a tire iron, we were back on the road. By now it was two of the clock, and I had four pounds left in my wallet. The three of us made it back to the street. As we neared the hut, Al spotted an F-150 in a drive-way with a “for sale” sign in the window. As they pulled into the driveway of the truck, I ran four huts down to the sale. As I walked up, I noticed that the ad saying “Misc. Children’s Toys” was an understatement. Mountains of toys covered the drive-way. And not just random beanie babies and plastic horse waste from McDonalds either. Ever wanted a complete Masters of the Universe toy set? Here was where you would go. Those giant rubber LHB wrestling toys for the ‘80’s, INCLUDING THE RING? Here’s your man! Star Wars? Yep! Star Trek? Yessir! Tek Wars ( William Shatner’s short-lived space-themed show) You damn skippy!

I searched the toys, hoping a stray controller would pop out at me. I saw little that I was interested it, except for a nice looking set of N’Sync bobble heads (For eBay only, honest!). I walked around until I found the owner. A short Caucasian man with a goatee, black baseball cap turned backwards, a black Pearl Jam tunic and a slight beer-gut. I had asked him if this was the place with the Sega Genesis. He said it was (GLEE!), I then asked where it was. He then pulled out four boxes: three were the original boxes for the Sega Genesis (model No.2), Sega CD, and a 32X. The fourth box was air conditioner-sized and held around fifty games. I thanked my lord and searched through them. While a good chunk were Genesis games, plenty of them were 32X and CD games! A great starter collection if I ever saw one (not that I needed a starter collection). I tried convincing the guy that even though having it in the boxes was nice, it wasn’t going to bring him much to his coffers. I offered him my remaining four pounds for the lot. He simply laughed and pulled the boxes away.

Panicked, I told him I could give him fifteen if he’d just wait a second (for Sir Jimmy and Sir Al to come back from the F-150 horse carriage). He still laughed. I tried again with the whole “they’re not worth a damn” story. This time, he simply smirked and turned around his baseball cap. A Digital Press cap! My insides started that sinking feeling again. I tired not to look scared when I asked what his minimum price was.

“60 pounds.”

Damn him! How could this fiend have such an awesome showing and price it around sixty! I decided to take fate into my own hands. I challenged him to a duel. We took our swords from their sheaths and circled the pile of boxes. He swung first, knocking off the head of a life-size princess Barbie. He stopped for a second, realizing he’d have to end that sale now. He swung again, but I easily blocked it. We were both scared and angry, making this one of the harder duels I’ve been in. We started jumping from table to table, knocking over various toys onto the concrete below. I ran to the grass, and hopped from a picnic table onto the roof of the horse-carriage holder. I leaped with a lunging swing, hoping that even if he blocked it, it’d still be enough to knock him down. As I fell, he sidestepped me and hit me with a plastic Castle Greyskull. As I fell, I saw the pieces of the castle fly around the yard. The skull door broke in, shattering its monetary value.

By this time, however, the owner didn’t care. He was either going to kill me, or beat me up enough to pay for everything we broke. Yeah, WE broke it over MY face. I got up quickly as the owner tried to poke out my eye with a small dagger. I whipped a Mighty Max at his throat. He staggered back. I went for a final blow, but it was blocked just it time. I then saw a Darth Vader figure on the ground. But it was no ordinary figure; it was a Darth Vader with a GREEN LIGHT SABER! I knew that taking a hostage could turn the tables in my favor. I picked it up.


I laughed as his expression turned from anger to fear. I told him to bring the price down from sixty pounds to four. He said he’d rather die. So I did the “unspeakable.” I took the light saber and snapped it with my thump and forefinger. The owner grabbed his chest as if the figure was some sort of voo doo doll, and I had just pinned a bobby-pin in his heart. He started to cry. He the started raging towards me, with both dagger and sword flailing. I repeatedly blocked both hands as he chased me around the driveway. Soon, Sire Jimmy and Sir Al had walked in.

“He’s dueling to the death already? Usually he waits until sundown.”

The owner soon tired of his fighting (thanks to his Cheeto and Coors Light-based diet) and fell to his knees. I then had a choice: do I end it here, with his head rolling on the ground and the Holy Grail in my possession, or do I allow him to live, and keep his overpriced ways to torment other needy collectors of the world? I decided to show mercy and let him keep his head. As I turned around to leave, I was warned by my comrades to look behind me. The owner, sword in hand, was charging from behind. I quickly slashed at his hand, causing the sword to go flying. The sword was flying towards the boxes in the back.

*GASP* The Holy Grail!

I quickly went for the boxes, and was JUST able to pull them away before the sword sunk into the ground. I was ready to pick them up and leave, when the owner charged me again. He ran into me with his dagger, ready to pierce my abdomen. I pulled out mine right as we collided. We both gasped as we both were sure we were dead. As I slowly backed away, the owner fell back with my dagger in his sternum. His dagger had barely missed my side, and harmlessly gouged out a hole in my blue Homsar tunic. As he laid there, struggling for his last few breaths, he started praying to God for forgiveness. As he said “Amen,” I ended his life with a quick beheading. Sir’s Jimmy and Al ran over to check my tunic wound. They saw that I was fine. We then loaded up the boxes, along with those sweet wrestling toys into the new F-150 horse carriage with four-hoof drive.

In the end, it was a good day. I found the Holy Grail and ripped off a nun. Even though I was forced to end another man’s life, I got a SWEET game package, so it was easily worth burning in hell for when I turn 33 and die of the Bubonic Plague.

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