Divine Sealing

Genre: Shmup Developer: CYX Publisher: CYX Players: 1 Released: 1991

Divine Sealing is hilarious. It’s not meant to be funny at all. In fact, when you look at what the game contains, it doesn’t have any humorous qualities; however, after you’ve driven yourself to the edge of your sanity by ploughing through its offerings, you’ll find yourself laughing at a number of things. You’ll snigger at how the game tries to fuse two opposing genres together and fails on both levels. You’ll giggle at the game’s pathetic attempt to bring hentai to a home console and lastly, you’ll piss yourself over the fact that you just wasted twenty minutes of your life playing through one of the worst shooters ever just to see some rather poor anime nudity. For shame!

As you probably guessed by now, Divine Sealing is a strange cross between an anime porn game and a shooter. Now, if I wanted to see some skin, I’d use the internet to satisfy my needs. (I’m a nerd. Nerds don’t have girlfriends.) I wouldn’t slug through a shooter that gives me no sweet power ups, like bombs that blow everything away on the screen or DoDonPachi-style lasers that sweep away legions of enemies in seconds.

What you do get is a small blue ship with a pathetic set of guns. You can’t power up your weapons or collect new ones at any point in the game. No, you are stuck with these crappy little peashooters throughout five levels of mundane repetitive “action.” The only way to increase your power at all is to persevere and continue blasting away at the constant onslaught of foes that come down on you.

Now, blasting away a ton of enemies with a really weak gun isn’t very fun, you don’t have to have a degree to work that out. However, when the enemies attack you in constant irregular formations, which make it impossible to blast your way through or to even dodge past, it’s almost depressing. However, it’s hilarious to find that the bosses are on the opposing side of the coin. Each boss has a rather basic attack pattern that they religiously stick to. Working out this pattern takes no effort so all you have to do is stay in place where you cannot be hit and hold down fire.

After you’ve stressed over how cheap the enemies are and laughed over how pathetic the bosses are. You’ll be “rewarded” with a slideshow of an anime girl getting her clothes ripped off by some invisible force. You’ll start to hope that the expression on her face is one of pleasure and not one of pain. Just to satisfy those with high morals, I’m pretty certain that these girls are enjoying it. Well, saying that makes me feel better about myself anyway. However, you may be slightly cheated at the fact that all of these girls have nothing down below and all of this time, you’ve been jerking off to some incredibly realistic mannequin dolls. Oh well, at least your mind was in the right place.

Divine Sealing is a crock. Never before have I seen such a pathetic attempt to get hentai into a completely differing genre. Not only does it offer you some pathetically designed shooter action with little thought or innovation, it gives you some of the poorest excuse for hentai that I’ve seen in my life. (Well, so I’ve heard!) Don’t even go near Divine Sealing, even if you haven’t jerked off in a year. It may be a crossbreed between two rather cool genres but there are so many other titles that to do the job a lot better like ones that only require one hand.